Charity/ am I an ass?

[edman87k5]

Serious question, first the backstory.
A while back (about a year or so) someone local's son was diagnosed with a disease (think cancer type). Never heard their name before, don't know the family, but we have a lot of mutual friends. My wife kind of knew them in passing. There were several fund raisers and such, which we help/ participated in/ donated to. After the largest fund raiser, some of the wives decided to hire a housekeeper to clean the family's home weekly and asked my wife to join in the split cost. She agreed and told me. I thought nothing of it, figuring it was for a few months. That was spring of this year. I have met the family maybe twice at mutual friends' homes, Probably wouldn't recognize each other if passing on the street.
My question is, does it make me an ******* to want to ask how long this is going to keep going?
I don't have a problem affording the $500/ year, but have recently cut down on some recurring bills of my own to divert money to more long term goals.
What say bayoushooter?

 

[Spleen]

It appears that you are caught in a trap of your own design; you're being generously kind but never set limits as to how long you would do so.
Unfortunately, if you just stop it will appear that you are cutting them off and you may well look like an *******.
You also have to factor in the wife situation and how this will affect your relationship.
Happy wife = happy life, or so I have been told.

If I only knew them in passing but knew the charity was a legitimate cause, I'd have no issues donating a few dollars or helping with fundraisers.
But I wouldn't partially pay for their housekeeping for an extended (unknown) time frame unless they were close personal friends or family.
Having said that, everyone is different in their approach to helping others.
You have to go with what makes you the most comfortable.
And by all means have an honest discussion with your wife before you decide anything.
It could be that she feels the same way you do as well...

 

[sliguns]

It would be good to know how their medical needs are going...Are they still involved in intense treatment? Are they required to travel a lot to some other cancer center?

I guess what I'm getting at is, i'd personally be okay with continuing to help them with housekeeping bills IF they were still in the thick of things. If they are sort of out of the woods for now, then I'd pledge my money maybe to pay for something else like the actual medical bills that are no doubt coming in now.

I do want to point out tho it is GREAT what you are doing and NO DOUBT it is a tremendous help to the family. We have a child with a terrible kidney disease, and ANY help you receive, whether it is with bills or day-to-day tasks is unbelievably helpful and it goes a loooong way.

 

[Whitebread]

Dude you went above and beyond what many friends would do. If someone thinks you are an a-hole they are ungrateful. I have been through two floods this year. And we had an overwhelming turn out of people who helped some helped a couple minutes some days others went so far and to do laundry at their house for us a few times. People brought foood for weeks. Some were random strangers some good close friends and family and everything in between. Should I be upset with the guys who could only help for a few hours one day? Hell no! They helped us without being asked without any expectations because they are good people who wanted to help. I would have to agree with Spleen talk to the wife first.

 

[CBlack]

No, you're not being an ass. I would want to know as well. Maybe makes me an ass too?

Sent from my VS990 using Tapatalk

 

[edman87k5]

To clarify, yes, they are still going out of state for treatments, not sure of the schedule. Maybe they go once a month, no idea.
I don't mind helping others but honestly I don't even know the people other than friend of a friend type thing. I agreed thinking it was for a few months but have no idea what the plan is now. I'll have to ask the wife. I only realize it when I go to write something in my checkbook and see it.

 

[Emperor]

Since you asked! But first I must address Spleen's comment, for it is extremely flawed!

Spleen; this silliness here: Happy wife = happy life, or so I have been told. Is just crazy talk! They are never happy about everything. Even when they are happy they are unhappy about something. Men are from Mars; Women are from LaLa Land!

edman? Very nice gesture of yours. But, like giving to the NRA, there are limits to what I am willing to give anyone on a regular basis. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask. Another option may be to actually call the cleaning company and ask them what they do over there; anonymously.

It is YOUR money!

 

[sliguns]

To clarify, yes, they are still going out of state for treatments, not sure of the schedule. Maybe they go once a month, no idea.
I don't mind helping others but honestly I don't even know the people other than friend of a friend type thing. I agreed thinking it was for a few months but have no idea what the plan is now. I'll have to ask the wife. I only realize it when I go to write something in my checkbook and see it.

It's okay to only donate for a short while...everyone's commitment level is different. I'd encourage you to keep at it tho (at some level), if you can financially...just make sure, either way, that you and your wife are on the same page.

 

[Spleen]

Since you asked! But first I must address Spleen's comment, for it is extremely flawed!

Spleen; this silliness here: Happy wife = happy life, or so I have been told. Is just crazy talk! They are never happy about everything. Even when they are happy they are unhappy about something. Men are from Mars; Women are from LaLa Land!

Well, there is that...

 

[Request Dust Off]

Charity/ am I an ass?

2 Separate Issues. Charity should have nothing to do with the other question, at least in how you and your wife view yourselves. How others choose to view it is up to them. People can try to manipulate you with guilt.

So you can be ass for doing something good as long as anyone can find a way you could have done any aspect of it better, even though the ones judging you did nothing to help.

My wife & I have been down that path. Do what is right for you. Charity begins at home. Don't get me wrong sometimes the decision only involves "Is this the right thing to do?". I have given away cars when I was done with them or given cash to someone. At times I cannot help at all. If you are doing the right things for the right reasons you are good with yourself and and your wife/kids then that is what matters.

 

[tallwalker]

^^^ This. Doing what you feel is the right thing is a matter of your own heart and not anyone else's. Doing what you think is expected is something else entirely.

"Charity, if you have the means, is a personal choice, but charity which is expected or compelled is simply a polite word for slavery." - Abraham Lincoln

 

[Brawny]

I think initially this was a kind and generous gesture, but surely this was not intended in perpetuity.

 

[RustyHammer]

... maybe let them know that your contributions will be ending with this tax year/calendar year - but that you are setting up a GoFundMe page to try to alleviate some of their hardship. (Or not.) This reminds me why a never liked open-ended financial agreements.

 

[AustinBR]

... maybe let them know that your contributions will be ending with this tax year/calendar year - but that you are setting up a GoFundMe page to try to alleviate some of their hardship. (Or not.) This reminds me why a never liked open-ended financial agreements.

I wouldn't ask them how long it is planned to go on for. They might not know,and pulling funding due to a time constraint may sound harsh on your part. You could easily handle it by telling them that due to financial constraints of your own, you will not be able to continue splitting X cost for any more than three more months, but you would appreciate to be kept abreast of the medical situation and will do what you can to help throughout their difficult time. Said in a manner like that, they will appreciate what you have done for them, but not expect it to last into perpetuity.

Austin