Joke of the day

[Emperor]

Warning ladies and virgin eyed men; some of these are salty!

A guy goes to a proctologist.
The doctor says, "My God, man, how did your a**hole get so stretched out?"
The guy says, "I-I got f**ked by a elephant."
The doctor says, "Oh, come on. Everybody knows an elephant has a long dick, but they're not that wide."
The guy says, "H-he put his finger in first."

Friedman says, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass Of Home.'"
The doctor says, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Friedman says, "Is that common?"
The doctor says, "It's not unusual."

It a girl's first time at the gynecologist. She's up in the stirrups, and she's scared to death.
The gynecologist says, "You're nervous, aren't you?"
She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the gynecologist."
He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"
She says, "Please."
He sticks his nose in her lap and goes, "Num, num, num, num..."

A snotty rich lady goes in to see a doctor.
She says, "Doctor, I am very wealthy, and I have always had anything I've wanted. But I've never, ever experienced what it's like to be pregnant. I would like you to do some kind of procedure, so I may see what it's like to be pregnant."
He says, "All right, lady."
He takes her into the examination room, works on her a while, and then she leaves.
A couple of hours later she calls up, and she says, "Doctor, it has been hours, and I do not yet know what it's like to feel pregnant."
He says, "You will in a few days, lady. I stitched your ass shut."

A couple goes to the marriage counselor.
The marriage counselor says, "I think we should start with what you have in common."
The husband says, "Neither of us likes to suck c**k."

A guy's walking along the beach when he trips over a bottle, picks it up, and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "Thank you. I've been stuck in that bottle for centuries. I'll tell you what ... I'll give you one wish. Anything you want."
The guy pulls out a map of the Middle East, and he says, "Could you bring peace to this part of the world?"
The genie says, "Gee, I don't know. They were fighting there for centuries and centuries, long before I was even trapped in the bottle. Have you got another wish?"
The guy says, "Well ... could you make it so once a month my wife wakes me up with a blow job?"
The genie says, "L-L-Lemme see that map again."

A salesman's on the road and goes up to a girl in a bar.
He says, "You want a drink?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They drink the drink, and he says, "Want to go back to my hotel."
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get to his hotel room, and he says, "You want to get naked?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get it on and she leaves.
A few months later she calls him at his office and says, "I'm pregnant. I think I'm going to kill myself."
He says, "Geez ... you are a good sport."

A new monk arrives to join the others copying ancient records and notices they're copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand.
He says, "Forgive me, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying somebody else's mistakes?"
The head monk says, "That's a good point, my son. I will take one of these new copies down to my vault and study it against the original document."
The old monk goes into the vault to study. The day passes, and it's getting late in the evening, and the other monks start to get worried about him, so one of them goes looking for him. As he's walking through the catacombs, he hears sobbing.
He says, "Holy Father?"
The sobbing gets louder as he gets near. Finally he finds the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him.
He says, "Father, what's wrong?"
The old monk says, "The word is 'celebrate.'"

A girl goes up to the drugstore counter and says, "I'd like a box of condoms."
The druggist says, "Don't want to have any kids, eh?"
She says, "No. My boyfriend doesn't want to get any s**t on his c**k."

A guy goes up to a hooker and says, "How much for a blow job?"
She says, "A hundred bucks."
He says, "Okay," and he starts to jack off.
She says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "For a hundred bucks, you don't think I'm gonna give you the easy one, do you?"

Every day the rabbit goes hopping down the bunny trail, singing, "I'm a pig, I'm a pig, I'm a pig," and every day he wakes up the squirrel who's sleeping in the hollow of a tree stump.
One day the squirrel decides he's had enough, so he jumps out, stops the rabbit and says, "You're not a pig, you're a rabbit."
The rabbit grabs the squirrel, f**ks him in the ass and then ****s him in the mouth, and then hops away singing, "I'm a pig, I'm a pig, I'm a pig."

A guy's weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over.
The cop says, "Hey, pal, did you know your wife fell out a few blocks back?"
The guy says, "Thank God. I thought I went deaf."

And Finally;

A guy comes home from work and says to his wife, "I think one of the guys at work is a faggot."
She says,"Why do you think that?"
He says, "Today we were standing at the urinals and he was jerking off."
She says,"How does that make him gay?"
He says, "He was using my dick."

 

[Emperor]

A homeless bum is passed out on a secluded park bench with an empty bottle of Ripple wine laying next to him when a homo passes by.
The homo looks around to see if anyone is watching, pulls the bum's trousers down and inserts a finger in the bum's a**hole.
When the homo is finished, he pulls the bum's pants back up and stuffs a $10 bill into the bum's pocket and tiptoes away.
When the bum wakes up, he feels a burning tingle in his a**hole, finds the $10 bill in his pocket and runs to the liquor store.
"Give me a $10 jug of your cheapest wine!" he says to the clerk. And then returns to the same park bench.
The next morning the homo passes by and again sees the bum passed out.
The homo proceeds to pull the bum's trousers down and begins to insert three fingers into the bum's a**hole.
When the homo is finished, he pulls the bum's pants back up and stuffs another $10 bill into the bum's pocket and tiptoes away.
When the bum wakes up, he feels a fiery pain emanating from his a**hole. Thinking nothing of it, He finds the $10 bill in his pocket and runs to the liquor store.
"Give me another $10 jug of your cheapest wine!" he says to the clerk. And then returns to the same park bench.
For the third straight morning the homo passes and sees the bum passed out.
The homo goes right to work; pulls the bum's trousers down and proceeds to jam his whole hand in the bum's a**hole. In and out; the homo violently rams it home almost to the elbow.
When he is done, he pulls the bum's pants back up, and this time puts a $20 bill in the bum's pocket and tiptoes away.
When the bum comes to, the pain in his a**hole is almost unbearable and when he gets to his feet he can hardly keep his balance it hurts so bad.
Undaunted, he finds the $20 bill in his pocket and gingerly wobbles to the liquor store.
Once there, the clerk says, "Let me guess, you want $10 of the cheapest wine we have?"
"Hell no!" the bum shouted! "I want $20 of the best wine you have; that cheap s**t is tearing my ass up!"

 

[Emperor]

Warning Again! Some of these are not for PC douches and those with no sense of humor!

Harry's kneeling at his wife's coffin and a friend kneels down next to him.
His friend says, "Harry, I know it's tough. But in a few weeks you'll start to feel better, and start to date, and eventually meet another nice woman."
Harry says, "I know. But what am I gonna do tonight?"

Jose' walks into work on Monday morning with a huge grin on his face.
Ricardo says, "Jose', ch-why are you so ch-happy?"
Jose' says, "Ch-I went to Beengo for the first time een my eentire life this weekend and I ween a thousand dollars."
Ricardo says, "Jose', you sure are lucky."
A week later, Jose' walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone.
Ricardo says, "Jose', you ween at Beengo again?"
Jose' says, "No, no, eet's much better than that. I buy my first lottery ticket thees past weekend and I ween ten thousand dollars. I'm feel so lucky that I theenk I ask that new Pakistani girl in Accounting weell she go on a date weeth me."
The next Monday morning, Jose' is doing cartwheels down the hall.
Ricardo says, "Jose', did you ween another lottery?"
Jose' says, "No, no, eet's much better than that. You know that Pakistani girl from Accounting? I ask her out, she say hokay, we have a fun time at deenner, so I invite her to my apartment for a drink. We wind up in bed, and next thing I know, she's geeving the best blow job Jose' ever had."
Ricardo says, "Jose', you sure are so freeging lucky."
Jose' says, "No, no, eet's much better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratch it...and I ween another ten thousand dollars."

Joe goes into an alley with a hooker, goes down on her, and there's peas and carrots and chewed meat in there.
He says, "Lady, are you sick?"
She says, "No, but I think the guy before you might have been."

A priest walks up to the hotel counter and says, "I'm here for the religious convention. I hope all your porn channels are disabled."
The hotel clerk says, "No, they're all regular porn, you sick f**k."

A class of first-year medical students each has a corpse in front of them, and the professor's giving them their first lesson on autopsies.
The professor says, "You must be capable of two things to perform an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
The professor sticks a finger deep into the dead man's *******, pulls it out, and then licks it.
The professor says, "Now you do the same thing with the corpse in front of you."
Very slowly and very reluctantly, one by one, they do it.
Then the professor says, "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation. If you were watching closely, you noticed I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's *******, but I licked my index finger."

Two gay guys live together.
The first guy says, "Let's play hide and seek. I'll hide, and if you find me I'll blow you."
The second guy says, "What if I can't find you?"
He says, "I'll be behind the piano."

Mrs. Hudson says to her husband, "Hudson, I want breast implants."
He says, "We can't afford it. Go grab a wad of toilet paper and rub it up and down between your ****."
She says, "Will it make them bigger?"
He says, "It worked on your ass."

McMurphy's in a confessional, and he says, "Father, I feel very guilty. Sometimes while I'm making love to my wife I wonder what it'd be like to have sex with a nun."
The priest says, "Don't be ashamed. Sometimes when I'm having sex with a nun, I wonder what it would be like to make love to your wife."

A girl goes to the doctor with her knees all cut up.
The doctor says, "What happened to your knees?"
She says, "It's from making love doggie-style."
He says, "Don't you know any other position besides doggie style?"
She says, "Yeah ... but my doggie don't."

A guy meets a hooker on the street.
He says, "Let's go in the alley and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "Fifteen bucks? For fifteen bucks, I'll let you look at it."
He says, "All right," they go into an alley, she drops her drawers, and he drops to his knees.
It's dark, and he can't see anything, so he lights his lighter.
He says, "Wow...your pubic hair ... it's so sculpted, so lustrous. It's beautiful."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "Can I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Sure."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Sure."
He says, "Well, then you better start, because you're on fire."

Here we are in Alabama, and Luke says, "Pa, what's f**kin'?"
Pa calls Ma over, bends her over a rain barrel, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her drawers, pulls down his drawers, pulls down his skivvies, points, and says to Luke, "See that hole in Ma? Well, watch me."
As Pa is pumping Ma, Luke's brother Zeke comes running over and says, "Luke, we gotta help Ma. Pa's beatin' her up."
Luke says, "No, he ain't. Pa's f**kin'."
Zeke says, "What's f**kin'?"
Luke pulls down his pants, pulls down his skivvies, points, and says, "See that hole in Pa? Well, watch me."

Two drunks are sitting at a bar when the first one pulls down his zipper and starts pissing into a beer bottle.
The second drunk says, "What're you doing?"
The first drunk says, "This ****'s so good I'm gonna drink it again."

A midget goes into a whorehouse, goes upstairs with a girl, takes off his pants, and he's got a two-foot cock.
The girl says, "Oh, no, you're not putting that thing in me. I'll kiss it."
He says, "F**k you. I can do that myself."

After an exam, the doctor says, "My God, Madnick, you've totally overdone it with your sex life. You're burned out. You know what you've got left the rest of your life? Fourteen orgasms. That's it."
Madnick goes home and tells his wife the news.
She says, "Oh, no. Well, we'd better make a list of when you're going to use them."
He says, "I already did. You ain't on it."

Zapin says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me."
The doctor says, "Tell me what your problem is."
Zapin says, "I just did, you stupid **********."

Schmidlap goes into a placement center in Kansas City and sees a card advertising for a gynecologist's assistant in town.
He goes up to the desk and says, "Can you give me some more details about the gynecologist's assistant job?"
The girl looks in her files and says, "Here it is. The job requires you to get the patients ready for the gynecologist. You help them out of their clothes and onto the table, carefully wash their genital regions, apply shaving foam, gently shave off their pubic hair, and then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the examination. The annual salary of $45,000, and you'll have to go to Wichita, about a hundred and twenty miles from here."
He says, "I thought the job was here in town."
She says, "It is. But that's where the end of the line is."

Minervini's wife says, "Get out! Get the**** out!"
As he's walking out the door, she says, "I hope you die a slow, painful death."
Minervini turns and says, "So now you want me to stay?"

Zimmerman's walking down the sidewalk and passes a store with three beautiful watches in the window.
He goes in and says to the guy behind the counter, "I want to buy that watch in the middle of the three."
The shopkeeper says, "Oh, we don't sell watches in here. We do circumcisions."
Zimmerman says, "Then why do you have watches in the window?"
The shopkeeper says, "What would you put in the window?"

Schneider says to his waiter, "How do you prepare your chickens?"
The waiter says, "We just tell them right to their faces that they're going to die."

A little girl says, "Daddy, how did you come up with my name?"
He says, "In the hall at the hospital, a nurse walked by with some flowers and a rose petal blew off and landed on your head. So we named you Rose."
Her sister says,"Daddy, how did you come up with my name?"
He says, "When you were first brought in to your mother in her room, a petal from the daisies by her bed blew onto your head, so we called you Daisy."
Another sister says, "Blmmmffblm ..."
Her father says, "Shut the f**k up, Cinderblock."

A duck hunter has to take a leak, so he leans his gun against a tree. A gust of wind blows the gun over, it goes off, and he gets shot in the crotch.
He wakes up in a hospital bed, and the doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the damage was local to your genital area, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
The hunter says, "What's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is there's some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
The hunter says, "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
The doctor says, "No, he plays flute in the local symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't **** all over yourself."

Dirty Johnny's on the steps of a country store eating a candy bar when an old guy comes out the door and says, "Sonny, that candy will rot your teeth."
The kid says, "My grandfather lived to be a hundred and five."
The guy says, "By eating candy?"
The kid says, "By minding his own f**king business."

 

[Renegade]

 

[hunter5567]

A brutha is walking down the beach and trips over a bottle. He pulls the cork and a jewish genie pops out. The genie says: I'll grant you 2 wishes.
The brutha scratches his head a minute and says-- I wants to be white, uptight, outta sight and for my second wish I wants to be surrounded by warm sweeet p***y.
ZAP! The genie turns him into a Kotex.

The immoral of the story: never expect anything from a jew without strings attached.

 

[CEHollier]

How many gay men can fit on a bar stool?

Four. If you turn it up side down...

 

[Renegade]

BEDROOM GOLF

1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2) Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!

7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.

9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11) Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12) Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13) Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15) The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

***Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.

 

[Kcabear]

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher was asking the kids to describe a medication and what it was used for.
Suzy raises her hand and says, "Tylenol, it's for a headache".
The teacher replies "Very good, what are some others?"
Billy stands up "Pepto Bismol, for a tummy ache".
Teach again "Very good, any others?"
Little Johnny stands up and says "Viagra!"
The teacher starts to blush and gets very nervous unsure if she should let him continue, but reluctantly she asks "What is it for?"
Johnny says "Diarrhea"
Puzzled the teacher asks "Why diarrhea?"
Johnny answers " Cause yesterday morning my Mom told my Dad to get some Viagra so his sh*t could get hard!"

 

[Emperor]

12) Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.

 

[hunter5567]

Obama, Biden, Pelosi, Schumer, Feinstein, Hilary, Rosie Odonnel, Bill Clinton, John Kerry, Harry Reid, Jimmy Carter and various other socialistic libtards are on a cruise ship and it strikes a coral reef and begins to sink with no life jackets or preservers or life boats.
Guess who is saved ?
















America !!!

 

[CEHollier]

Obama, Biden, Pelosi, Schumer, Feinstein, Hilary, Rosie Odonnel, Bill Clinton, John Kerry, Harry Reid, Jimmy Carter and various other socialistic libtards are on a cruise ship and it strikes a coral reef and begins to sink with no life jackets or preservers or life boats.
Guess who is saved ?
















America !!!

We have a Winner!

 

[Old_Demon]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center ..


Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, " I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

" I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off of it's polished surface.


Hundreds of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into pieces.



"****!" said the hypnotist.



It took three days to clean up the Senior Center !!

Claude was never invited back.

 

[hunter5567]

What's the difference between a women's track team and tribe of pygmies?
One's a bunch of cunning runts.

Whats the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman and whore with diarhea?
One shucks between fits.



After making love in the Garden of Eden, Adam falls asleep. Upon waking up he sees Eve coming out of the river and asks her "what are you doing?"
She replies " I was just washing up"
Adam says " Oh No!!! Now all the fish are gonna taste like that"

 

[pepe lepew]

a 90 year old couple marries at the nursing home, on the honeymoon nite, the old man gets undressed, takes out his teeth. The elderly woman comes out in a robe with nothing underneath. She tells her new hubby, " now before we do anything, I have to tell you that I have Acute Angina." To which the old man answers, " good damn thing, because thats the ugliest titties I have ever seen."

 

[Turn Key]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed....

'Not with a carnation.'

 

[gunner_lee]

Winner of Britian's tasteless joke of the year award at some point in the near past:
"my agent told me that he had signed me up to run in a race for charity. I told him to **** off. He said, "it's for spastic and paralyzed children." Fook, I could win this."
another"
british Bobby comes in from a hard days' work and finds his wife in bed with 3 blokes. He says, "HELLO, HELLO, HELLO???" His wife rolls over and says, "what love, you're not going to say hello to me?"
and lastly:
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm. He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on! The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'

 

[Renegade]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, "says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

 

[Bayoupiper]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:

'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.



'I'm beginning to think you're f#ck!ng bad luck'...




.

 

[Devilneck]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, "says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

OK, Monica, you're free to go."

That is awesome!