Joke of the day
- Thread starter CEHollier
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The clown gets up in front of the kids, puts his hand in his pocket and says, "If any of you can guess what I've got in my pocket, you'll win a prize."
A kid in the front says, "Is it candy, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it's not candy."
Another kid says, "Is it money, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it ain't money, either."
Another kid says, "Well, what is it, then?"
The clown says, "It's my cock."
Nelson grabs the clown, drags him into the kitchen and says, "What the hell was that? These kids are seven years old."
The clown says, "Hey, I'm really sorry. I usually do my show at nightclubs. I'm hungover, and I accidentally went into the wrong routine. It won't happen again."
Nelson says, "It better not or I'll call the police. Now get back in there and entertain those kids. They all love you."
The clown gets back up in front of the kids and says, "Okay, kids, let's start all over again. If any of you can guess what I've got in my pocket, you'll win a prize."
A kid says, "Is it candy, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it's not candy."
Another kid says, "Is it money, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it ain't money, either."
Another kid says, "Well, what is it, then?"
The clown looks over at Nelson and says, "You better call the cops. It's my cock again."
A kid in the front says, "Is it candy, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it's not candy."
Another kid says, "Is it money, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it ain't money, either."
Another kid says, "Well, what is it, then?"
The clown says, "It's my cock."
Nelson grabs the clown, drags him into the kitchen and says, "What the hell was that? These kids are seven years old."
The clown says, "Hey, I'm really sorry. I usually do my show at nightclubs. I'm hungover, and I accidentally went into the wrong routine. It won't happen again."
Nelson says, "It better not or I'll call the police. Now get back in there and entertain those kids. They all love you."
The clown gets back up in front of the kids and says, "Okay, kids, let's start all over again. If any of you can guess what I've got in my pocket, you'll win a prize."
A kid says, "Is it candy, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it's not candy."
Another kid says, "Is it money, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it ain't money, either."
Another kid says, "Well, what is it, then?"
The clown looks over at Nelson and says, "You better call the cops. It's my cock again."
A forest ranger's talking to a group of campers.
He says, "Bear attacks are rare, but they do happen. We suggest that you wear bells around your ankles. If a bear hears that, he'll run off to avoid any conflict with humans. And in case that doesn't work, I have a can of pepper mace for each of you, to spray in the bear's eyes if one should one attack you. That'll send him scurrying. Now, there are two types of bears in these woods, brown bears and grizzly bears. If you run across a pile of bear ****, it's good to know if it belongs to a brown bear or a grizzly. A brown bear's **** usually has berries and undigested fur in it. A grizzly bear's **** has bells and pepper mace cans in it."
He says, "Bear attacks are rare, but they do happen. We suggest that you wear bells around your ankles. If a bear hears that, he'll run off to avoid any conflict with humans. And in case that doesn't work, I have a can of pepper mace for each of you, to spray in the bear's eyes if one should one attack you. That'll send him scurrying. Now, there are two types of bears in these woods, brown bears and grizzly bears. If you run across a pile of bear ****, it's good to know if it belongs to a brown bear or a grizzly. A brown bear's **** usually has berries and undigested fur in it. A grizzly bear's **** has bells and pepper mace cans in it."
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horseshit all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She says, "You want tomato sauce on it? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She says, "You want tomato sauce on it? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
Turn Key
Stuck up North
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl
in his Junior High class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before
you're banned from teaching altogether."
-
in his Junior High class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before
you're banned from teaching altogether."
-
Turn Key
Stuck up North
I was showing the doctor my badly bruised penis and he asked me how I did it.
I told him it was a surfing accident.
"Did you fall off your surfboard?" he asked
"No" I said "The wife came in and I had to slam the laptop shut!"
I told him it was a surfing accident.
"Did you fall off your surfboard?" he asked
"No" I said "The wife came in and I had to slam the laptop shut!"
Turn Key
Stuck up North
Best Chainsaw immatation ever
http://s604.photobucket.com/albums/...rrent=Taco_Bell_has_the_same_effect_on_me.mp4
~TK
http://s604.photobucket.com/albums/...rrent=Taco_Bell_has_the_same_effect_on_me.mp4
~TK
hunter5567
Monolithic Mentor
My name is el Pancho and I live on a rancho and make me 5 dollahs a day.
Go see Miss Lucy and she give me some Pucy and take my 5 dollahs away, Ole' .
Go see Miss Lucy and she give me some Pucy and take my 5 dollahs away, Ole' .
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Baker marries a virgin, and it’s their wedding night. He’s on fire. He gets naked, jumps into bed, and then starts groping her as soon as she climbs in.
She says, “David, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as at the dinner table.”
He sits up, folds his hands on his lap, and says, “Is that better?”
She says, “Much better.”
He says, “Okay. Now will you please pass the pu**y?!
She says, “David, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as at the dinner table.”
He sits up, folds his hands on his lap, and says, “Is that better?”
She says, “Much better.”
He says, “Okay. Now will you please pass the pu**y?!
Turn Key
Stuck up North
Pierre the French Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ' Pierre , kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!' She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ‘Pierre! Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!' She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude.
Marie then leans close to his ear and whispers, ' Pierre , kiss me, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her muff....... He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ' PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and shouts defiantly,
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!
..
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ' Pierre , kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!' She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ‘Pierre! Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!' She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude.
Marie then leans close to his ear and whispers, ' Pierre , kiss me, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her muff....... He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ' PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and shouts defiantly,
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!
..
I was waiting for a "fish" joke!
Mojo Rider
Well-Known Member
Think this one out carefully...
You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off,
And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
See answer below (scroll down).
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off,
And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
See answer below (scroll down).
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
I thought about that for 3 minutes before looking at the answer and couldn't come up with anything!!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha
A guy is driving down the road with his parrot on his shoulder. He sees a lady hitchhiking on the side of the road and pulls over. He asks her if she needs a ride and she says yes. He say you have to phuq me first. She says no way and then he says no phuq no ride. As he is driving down the road the parrot starts saying “no phuq, no ride” over and over. The driver says if you don’t stop saying that I am going to pull over and throw you in the back with the chickens, he is driving a poultry truck. A little further down the road the parrot decides to try his luck and says “no phuq no ride”. So the driver pulls over and throws him the back. He is driving down the road and sees a cop car behind with flashing lights and pulls over. The officer walks up and the driver asks what he is doing wrong, I wasn’t speeding or anything was I officer?
No, but you have a parrot in the back throwing out chickens saying “no phuq no ride”!!!!
No, but you have a parrot in the back throwing out chickens saying “no phuq no ride”!!!!
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