A little old lady goes into the grocery store to buy cat food. She picks up four cans and brings them to the check-out counter.
The girl at the cash register says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat themselves, so we need to ask for proof that you're buying the cat food for a cat."
The little old lady goes home, picks up her cat, and brings it with her to the store. Once they see the cat, they sell her the cat food. The next day, the little old lady tries to buy two cans of dog food.
Sure enough, the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat themselves, so we need to ask for proof that you're buying the dog food for a dog."
The little old lady goes home, puts her dog in her grandson's red wagon and pulls it to the store. Once they see the dog, they sell her the dog food.
The next day the little old lady brings in a box with a hole in the lid and she says to the cashier, "Honey, please stick your finger in the hole."
The cashier said, "No. You might have a snake in there."
The little old lady says, "Sweetheart, there's no snake in the box. I'd never hurt you."
The cashier puts her finger into the box and then pulls it out.
The cashier says, "That smells like ****."
The little old lady says, "It is. I need to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
An old man in Phoenix calls his son Eddie in New York and says, "Enough is enough. I'm divorcing your mother," and hangs up.
The son is freaked out, calls his sister in Philadelphia and tells her what just happened.
His sister says, "******** they're getting a divorce. I'll handle this."
She calls her parents in Phoenix and says, "You're not splitting up. Don't do a thing. Eddie and I will be there tomorrow."
The old man hangs up the phone and says to his wife, "The kids are both coming for Thanksgiving and they're paying their own way."
A priest is relocated to a new city and he's in a bad section of town.
He walks up to a few hookers and says, "Excuse me, where's the Post Office?"
One of the hookers says, "Go down this street, turn right at the strip club and it's down across from the porn shop."
The priest says, "Why don't you ladies change your ways and let me lead you to Heaven?"
Another hooker says, "Lead us to Heaven? Motherf**ker, you can't even find the Post Office."
Charlie's flying with his friend who's a pilot. The plane flies into a cloud, and the cockpit goes totally dark, when plane hits turbulence, and is zooming up and down and all over the place when his friend suddenly slumps over and dies. Charlie grabs at the controls and gropes for the radio.
He says "May Day! May Day! Help! Help! I'm in a plane and my friend the pilot just fell over dead. I don't know how to work this thing. It's totally dark and we're flying upside-down."
The dispatcher says, "If it's totally dark how do you know you're flying upside-down?"
Charlie says, "Because there's **** oozing out of my shirt collar."
The girl at the cash register says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat themselves, so we need to ask for proof that you're buying the cat food for a cat."
The little old lady goes home, picks up her cat, and brings it with her to the store. Once they see the cat, they sell her the cat food. The next day, the little old lady tries to buy two cans of dog food.
Sure enough, the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat themselves, so we need to ask for proof that you're buying the dog food for a dog."
The little old lady goes home, puts her dog in her grandson's red wagon and pulls it to the store. Once they see the dog, they sell her the dog food.
The next day the little old lady brings in a box with a hole in the lid and she says to the cashier, "Honey, please stick your finger in the hole."
The cashier said, "No. You might have a snake in there."
The little old lady says, "Sweetheart, there's no snake in the box. I'd never hurt you."
The cashier puts her finger into the box and then pulls it out.
The cashier says, "That smells like ****."
The little old lady says, "It is. I need to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
An old man in Phoenix calls his son Eddie in New York and says, "Enough is enough. I'm divorcing your mother," and hangs up.
The son is freaked out, calls his sister in Philadelphia and tells her what just happened.
His sister says, "******** they're getting a divorce. I'll handle this."
She calls her parents in Phoenix and says, "You're not splitting up. Don't do a thing. Eddie and I will be there tomorrow."
The old man hangs up the phone and says to his wife, "The kids are both coming for Thanksgiving and they're paying their own way."
A priest is relocated to a new city and he's in a bad section of town.
He walks up to a few hookers and says, "Excuse me, where's the Post Office?"
One of the hookers says, "Go down this street, turn right at the strip club and it's down across from the porn shop."
The priest says, "Why don't you ladies change your ways and let me lead you to Heaven?"
Another hooker says, "Lead us to Heaven? Motherf**ker, you can't even find the Post Office."
Charlie's flying with his friend who's a pilot. The plane flies into a cloud, and the cockpit goes totally dark, when plane hits turbulence, and is zooming up and down and all over the place when his friend suddenly slumps over and dies. Charlie grabs at the controls and gropes for the radio.
He says "May Day! May Day! Help! Help! I'm in a plane and my friend the pilot just fell over dead. I don't know how to work this thing. It's totally dark and we're flying upside-down."
The dispatcher says, "If it's totally dark how do you know you're flying upside-down?"
Charlie says, "Because there's **** oozing out of my shirt collar."