You guys are making too much of this. We're talking about a belly gun, for Pete's sake.
As noted above, the only current factory load "optimized" for a snubby is the 135gr Gold Dot. By optimized, I mean that it is loaded with a special canister powder which burns completely in two inches. The old Federal 125gr NyClad was similar, but has been out of print for some time.
And all this means is that muzzle flash and blast is reduced, since all of the powder is consumed before the bullet exits the muzzle. All muzzle flash consists of is unburned powder being ejected and "flashing" when it leaves the barrel.
IOW, you can jack up the powder charge all you want; but only so much of it is going to "burn" in two inches, and the rest is wasted. If you don't believe this, shoot a standard .38+P and then a .357 out of a Ti-Scan S&W Chief, over a chronograph. You'll get MAYBE another 150-200 fps from the .357; at the cost of a virtually uncontrollable launch platform.
And always keep in mind that there is NO such thing as a magic bullet. At the relatively slow velocities you get from a snubby, just about anything will do. The Gold Dots have an extraordinarily large cavity, and therefore might, MIGHT, provide a bit more expansion due to hydrostatic effects.
The old standby, a 158gr SWC soft lead hollowpoint at around 800fps or so, will do the job if you do yours. You can spend big bucks on exotic ammo if you want; but if you think you're going to get any markedly superior performance out of a snubby with it, guess again...
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"Low recoil" is subjective.
This a multi-faceted topic, with a scope far beyond the reach of your typical armchair commando magazine article or "test".
The first thing you want is a standard pressure (non +P) cartridge. Second, you want to give her every edge, and while in the real world bullet shape at snubby velocities really doesn't matter, it COULD... depending on where she hits the bad guy, how he's dressed, etc. So we want a SWC bullet.
In a standard velocity load, don't waste time with a hollow point. The prime desiderata is penetration, and a hollow point and 750 or less fps just will not reliably expand, plus it will be "slowed down" by what expansion does occur; i.e., less penetration.
The next criteria is mass; we want the heaviest bullet we can get. Penetration requires both velocity and mass. We already know we're NOT going to get the velocity we need from a snubby (especially with a standard pressure loading), so the next best thing is mass. A cast 200gr SWC, over three grains of 231, is great... if you reload and know where to find that odd-ball bullet. I do both, but the truth is that what little bit of advantage this combination MIGHT give out of a snubby simply isn't worth the effort to me. I 'm perfectly happy with issue factory offerings. I was quite pissed when Federal dropped that 125gr NyClad load; I worked two shootings involving it, and it performed quite well (for a .38). I have no doubt the Gold Dot load will do as good or better. But there's that recoil factor you're trying to avoid...
I know that Remington still makes a 158gr solid SWC standard pressure load. I would be surprised if Winchester, Federal, and CCI/Speer don't. You're going to have to bite the bullet, so to speak, and spend some bucks on different offerings until you find one she can live with.
As a last resort, you could try a 148gr target wadcutter load. If THAT bothers her, take the gun away from her, or get her a .22. However, you're walking a thin edge here. To say that this loading is marginal would be stretching the term to its elastic limits.
There are two immutable facts concerning snub-nosed lightweight revolvers; they are delightful carry pieces, and they are distinctly unpleasant to shoot.
No free lunch...
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